I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
