I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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