I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
