i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
