Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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