she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
