Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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