Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
