i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
