Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
