He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
