Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
