Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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