if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
