The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
