i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
