All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
birth control should be required to get into college
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
