4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
