Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
