final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
