I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
