yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
