I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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