Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
