This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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