Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
