I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
