Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
