we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
