she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
