I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
