I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
