There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A+ Viking dick
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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