Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
