Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
