we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
