she looked like the before picture.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
