Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think your dad took our porno
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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