rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
