Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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