apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize