dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
