i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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