hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
