just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
