I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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