Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
did i walk over a car last night?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
