thus making me awesome and them whores
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
