Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Girls should come with a carfax report
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You did what with his pubic hair?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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