I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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