I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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