Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
