We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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