Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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