Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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