Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
