and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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